When conflicts arise in relationships, workplaces, or communities, it is common for individuals to employ evaluative language, often labelling others as “difficult”. Terms like “narcissist”, “toxic”, “manipulative”, or even “passive-aggressive” have become increasingly popular in conversations surrounding interpersonal struggles. While these labels may express a person’s experience, they can also reduce complex behaviours to oversimplified judgments, potentially entrenching conflict rather than resolving it.
To truly understand what lies behind these characterisations, it is necessary to take a step back and consider the roots of the behaviour being labelled. For example, what may seem like controlling behaviour could stem from anxiety or fear of unpredictability. What is dismissed as emotional volatility might point to unacknowledged trauma. By viewing perceived “difficult” behaviours through a lens of curiosity and compassion, we uncover the possibilities for authentic connection, even when the behaviours are challenging.
Through a process of structured communication, such as mediation, we can explore the deeper motivations, needs, and emotions driving the labels. Mediation, particularly facilitated by a trained neutral party, offers a valuable framework in which parties are invited to share their stories, deconstruct assumptions, and rebuild mutual understanding.
The Power and Peril of Labels
Labelling someone as “difficult” is not merely descriptive; it has the power to shape perceptions and influence interactions. Labels tend to become self-fulfilling prophecies: once someone has been given a particular designation, behaviours are interpreted through that lens, often reinforcing existing biases. Furthermore, these labels can lead to ostracisation, isolation, and even dehumanisation, effectively putting an end to constructive dialogue before it begins.
This naming can also serve as a protective mechanism. When people feel hurt or overwhelmed, they may seek narratives that justify their emotional reactions. Calling someone “manipulative”, for instance, might help make sense of a painful situation and provide a sense of control. However, such labels can also limit opportunities for empathy, reducing complex individuals to one-dimensional characters in a personal drama.
Mediation invites us to pause and reflect on what we are truly responding to. It encourages an exploration of the unmet needs, boundary violations, or miscommunications that underlie the tension. Rather than focusing on diagnosing or pathologising the other person, it shifts the conversation toward shared humanity and mutual accountability.
Mediators as Translators of Experience
One of the unique roles a mediator plays is that of translator. Mediators listen not only for facts or outcomes but also for emotion, intention, and meaning. They help parties hear what lies behind the words. Someone who says, “She’s impossible to work with,” may actually be expressing fear of rejection, frustration about unmet expectations, or a deeply rooted sense of injustice.
By translating these emotionally charged messages into observations, needs, and requests, mediators help to disarm defensiveness and pave the way for dialogue. For instance, a mediator might reframe an accusation like “He never listens” as, “You feel unheard and would like more clarity about how your input is valued.” This subtle shift in language can be a powerful catalyst for openness.
When individuals are given the opportunity to express themselves in this reframed way, they often feel more empowered and less adversarial. Similarly, when someone hears their perceived adversary express vulnerability rather than hostility, it becomes easier to see them not as an enemy, but as another person navigating their own struggles.
Reframing Conflict as a Shared Experience
Mediation challenges the traditional adversarial model of conflict, which pits one “right” party against a “wrong” one. It replaces blame with dialogue and seeks to uncover the mutual contributions to a conflict, even when those contributions are not equal in impact. This paradigm creates space for healing and encourages participants to take responsibility for their roles in the dynamic without collapsing into shame or accusations.
Importantly, mediation does not require agreement with or validation of harmful behaviour. Rather, it makes room for accountability to occur within a framework that recognises the complexity of human experience. It allows people to say, “I was hurt by your actions” and for the other party to respond with, “I did not intend that, but I see the impact”.
Through this reframing, conflict becomes not something to be avoided or won, but a shared experience from which both parties can learn and grow. Participants come to see that labelling someone as “difficult” often obscures the full picture—and that in understanding that picture together, more compassionate and sustainable solutions emerge.
Emotional Intelligence as a Pathway to Resolution
At the heart of effective mediation lies emotional intelligence — the ability to recognise, understand, and manage one’s own feelings as well as those of others. This skillset is particularly important when dealing with individuals who behave in ways that trigger strong emotional reactions.
Often, people labelled as “difficult” present behaviours that are emotionally dysregulating to others. They may dominate conversations, avoid interaction, or project blame. Yet these behaviours are often adaptive strategies developed in response to past experiences, particularly in environments where vulnerability was unsafe or emotional needs were unmet.
When mediators support parties in developing emotional literacy—naming their emotions, connecting them to unmet needs, and communicating them constructively—they foster deeper self-awareness and reduce the chance of escalation. Emotional intelligence doesn’t mean excusing hurtful behaviour; rather, it equips individuals with the tools to respond to it without reacting defensively or destructively.
In this sense, mediation can be a deeply educational process, not just about the particular conflict at hand, but about how people interact generally. It can transform not only the dispute but the dispositions of those involved.
The Role of Narrative in Shaping Identity
Every one of us carries a story about who we are, who others are, and what has happened between us. These stories give meaning to our experiences, but they are not objective truth. They are interpretive frameworks that can become rigid or constraining, particularly in the context of conflict.
When people enter mediation describing the other as “abusive”, “manipulative” or “hard to deal with”, they are relaying a story they have come to believe in. This story may be based on real experiences—and it may also be incomplete. The story positions the self typically as the aggrieved party and the other as the villain.
Mediation offers a structured setting in which those narratives can be examined, challenged, and sometimes revised. Rather than assuming that one version of events is correct, the process asks: “What might both parties’ stories reveal?” In doing so, mediation helps loosen the grip of fixed identity narratives. Someone who has always felt silenced may start to find their voice. Someone accustomed to being blamed may begin to see their value. And someone formerly seen only as “difficult” may emerge as a complex person with strengths and vulnerabilities alike.
This narrative shift does not happen quickly. It requires courage, mutual willingness, and support. But when it occurs, it often results in lasting transformation—not just in the specific relationship being addressed, but in how people approach all their future interactions.
Compassionate Boundaries and Differentiation
A common concern raised during mediation is that seeking understanding equates to tolerating unacceptable behaviour. It is important to clarify that empathy and boundaries are not mutually exclusive. In fact, compassionate understanding can strengthen boundaries rather than weaken them.
Mediation provides a space in which individuals can articulate their limits clearly, respectfully, and without demeaning the other. By defining what is and isn’t acceptable within a relationship, and agreeing on how to communicate those boundaries, participants create safety and clarity.
Differentiation—the ability to maintain one’s sense of self in the presence of someone very different—is also reinforced through the process. People learn that it is possible to co-exist with someone whose behaviour or personality they find challenging, without losing their integrity or autonomy. This is a powerful realisation, particularly for those who have felt overwhelmed or invalidated in the past.
Rather than labelling someone and withdrawing or escalating, mediation enables individuals to stay engaged with boundaries intact and empathy active. This balance is essential for any healthy relationship system, whether in families, workplaces, or communities.
Moving Towards Restorative Cultures
At a societal level, the overuse of “difficult personality” labels reflects a deeper cultural discomfort with interpersonal complexity and emotional pain. It can be easier to exile or vilify someone than to sit with the ambiguity of conflict or the messiness of human emotion.
By fostering curiosity, slowing down reactive processes, and amplifying empathy, mediation contributes to a culture that values restoration over retribution. In such cultures, people are not reduced to their worst moments. Accountability is emphasised, but it is understood in relational rather than transactional terms.
Restorative cultures focus not on who is to blame, but on how wrongs can be made right, and how relationships can be rebalanced. Within such settings, there is less reliance on derogatory labels and more emphasis on systemic understanding, healing, and growth.
In Conclusion
Just as no human is entirely good or completely bad, no one is simply “difficult”. These labels freeze people in time and lock them into roles that no longer serve constructive outcomes. Mediation, through purposeful dialogue, emotional literacy, and narrative reframing, offers a path toward rediscovering each person’s full humanity.
By replacing assumptions with curiosity and blame with shared responsibility, mediation invites us to move beyond simplistic labels. It allows us to see not just the behaviour, but the story, need, and pain behind it. And ultimately, it restores the possibility of connection — even in the face of difference, discord, and the discomfort of growth.
